Minnesota State University Mankato
Growing Up Vietnamese-American
My family celebrating Vietnamese New Year, also known as Tết.
My dad once said, "You are Vietnamese before you are American, that's why it's Vietnamese-American." That phrase stuck by me, in more ways than one. There are many ways how I have interpreted this, yet at the core of it all, it truly does tie to how I perceive my own identity. A common theme that has been discussed by many minorities is the experience of feeling like they were living in two worlds. Being Vietnamese-American, I understand that feeling.
Growing up, I always felt trapped between two different identities. While I did spend the first four years of my life living in Minneapolis, I would consider the suburb of Otsego, Minnesota my hometown. There are many things which I love about my hometown, and if you ever ask me about it, I could go on for hours and talk about it. There was one thing I noticed though, and I became very aware of it as I grew older; the community is predominately white. I remember sitting at my church with my Vietnamese friends one afternoon. We were discussing what high schools we attended, and when I had revealed what high school I went to, one of my friends chimed in that I went to a "white school", with many of my other friends nodding in agreement (Self-awareness level 1-2).
While I agreed with that sentiment at the time, it struck me in some way. In the Vietnamese community, and possibly the larger Asian American community as well, there is a term called whitewashed. This term means you've turned away from your Vietnamese heritage and are trying to become "white." By attending an all-white school and having mostly white friends, had I also become whitewashed? Along with that, was it a good or a bad thing? Compared to some of my other Vietnamese friends who went to school in the cities where there was a more diverse population, I could be considered "whitewashed.” When reflecting on my experiences at my school, though, I did not identify with being whitewashed. I had experienced growing up as a minority, which many of my other classmates could not relate to. Along with that, as one of the few Asians that attended my school, it wasn't hard to stand out. I was highly involved in my church as well, which in turn exposed me to a lot of the Vietnamese culture (Self-awareness level 2).
When I explained the different things that my parents believed in or that we did, it was treated as an "other" experience with my white classmates. With my Vietnamese friends, on the other hand, there as much more of a sense of solidarity. We shared many of the same experiences and it was easy to relate to one another (Self-awareness level 3).
One thing my parents made sure of was that I spoke Vietnamese. They saw it as a way to keep me connected with my ethnic culture. That included participating in Vietnamese School every Sunday from when I was 5 to 17, which was my junior year of high school. I can maintain a conversation, read, and spell in Vietnamese. Along with that, I have some knowledge of Vietnamese history as well. I've also had the opportunity to visit Vietnam twice now, which has helped me improve on my Vietnamese (Communication level 1). My ability to speak my parent's mother tongue has helped me stay connected to my family, my history, and my culture.
There are also ideals they had instilled in me, and it is easy to see where my American ideals clashed with theirs. Growing up, it was expected that I think in sense of my family. Everything I did would reflect on my family. There were also certain things I was not allowed to do compared to others. The best example would be my parent's refusal to let me attend sleep-overs. My parents saw it as an invasion of privacy, and I asked why I could not, the common answer was that it was the "Vietnamese way". I also am fiercely independent, but that is not something that is reflected in the Vietnamese culture. Instead, it is more about the unit. There were times where I wanted to do something more independently based, which my parents would try to shut down. For example, choosing to go to Mankato was a huge decision, especially since I would have to live in the dorms. My mom was torn for weeks, as she wanted me to go to school somewhere close so I could stay home and commute. Even my aunts and uncles were surprised when I told them about attending Mankato, as if the thought of me staying on my own was a shock (Communication level 1-3).
It felt like I had two different identities. One that was strongly tied to being American and the other being Vietnamese.
All of this makes me think back to what my dad had said. Were these two parts of myself so uniquely different? What made it so I was more Vietnamese than I was American? These are questions that I will probably continue to ask myself for probably the rest of my life. For now, this is how I interpret my dad's statement. Being both Vietnamese and American has played an instrumental part in my identity. I am not more one part than another, but I would not say that my identity is a "melting pot" of these two categories. They are separate, but they also exist in harmony. Neither one tries to dominate the other (Communication level 4). I do not know if I will continue to believe this in the coming years, but this is what my heart and mind are currently settled on.
Even when I share my story, I realize that my experiences are not universal. Even comparing it to my sister, the ways that she has come to grips with her identity could be completely different. We all grow in different ways, and while we share some similar experiences, we do not have the same stories. As Chimamanda Adichie once said, "beware of the single story". Each person has a uniquely different perspective and culture, and as someone who has balanced between two, I understand how important it is to acknowledge and learn from it.